Toxic Work Enviroment
by Red Witch
Summary: The Figgis Agency is the poster child of how an office shouldn't be.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is out reading a magazine. Just something that came into my tiny little mind.**

 **Toxic Work Environment **

"Morning Lana," Ray said cheerfully to his friend as she entered the bullpen. He was sitting with Pam and Cheryl. He and Pam were reading newspapers. And Cheryl was looking at a glue bottle happily.

"Just you today?" Pam asked.

"Yeah where's the Wicked Bitch Of The West?" Cheryl snickered.

"Mallory's visiting Archer again so she's not coming into work," Lana said.

"Good," Cheryl sighed a breath of relief. "I like it when she doesn't come into work. That's the only way she doesn't yell at me."

"It does take the stress out of the day doesn't it?" Ray agreed. "Other than Archer being in a coma and our whole agency tanking these are actually some of the most relaxing months we've ever had."

"Speaking of which. Look at this," Pam showed them an article in the newspaper. "Ten signs you have a toxic work environment."

"Only **ten?"** Ray quipped. "I can think of **thirty!** Thirty-seven if Archer is involved."

"Let's see if this matches up to our place," Pam said.

"Why?" Lana asked as she sat down.

"For laughs," Pam shrugged. "Number One…You have to keep your head down at the office and not stand out."

"Well that's just common sense," Cheryl said. "Especially when the bullets are flying around."

"Just look at Brett," Ray nodded.

"Number Two," Pam went on. "Poor communication."

"Well that's not our office," Cheryl remarked. "Ms. Archer shouts what she wants at the top of her voice all the time!"

"As well as everyone else," Lana remarked. "I think in our case we get our messages across very clear."

"Especially when you're threatening people with switchblades," Ray quipped.

"I only did that…" Lana paused. "Four or five times. Maybe six or seven? But those assholes had it coming!"

"Still counts as clear communication," Cheryl shrugged.

"Everyone I threatened knew **exactly** what I wanted," Lana agreed. "And they knew how to stay on my good side."

"Number Three," Pam went on. "Everyone has a bad attitude."

"Well that's clearly not **this office** ," Ray said. "Most of us are rather cheerful psychopaths."

"Grandmother said if you if you have to threaten someone," Cheryl spoke up. "Do it with a smile."

"That is a more ladylike way to do it," Pam nodded.

"What's Number Four?" Lana sighed.

"There's always office drama," Pam said. "Well that can't be right. Office drama means that there's always something interesting going on."

"And your days aren't boring!" Ray added.

"Exactly," Pam nodded.

"I AM NOT HAVING SEX WITH YOUR HOLOGRAM GIRLFRIEND!" Cyril was heard shouting.

"WHY NOT?" Krieger snapped. "YOU'LL BONE ANYONE ELSE!"

"OH, LOOK WHO IS **TALKING!** " Mitsuko was heard. "YOU REALLY WANT TO GO **THERE** KRIEGER? REALLY?"

"YOU ARE IN NO POSITION TO BE JUDGEMENTAL!" Cyril snapped.

"YEAH!" Mitsuko snapped. "YOU CHEAT ON ME WITH ROBOT LADY OR CRAZY GLUE SNIFFING BITCHES ALL THE TIME!"

"FIRST OF ALL, ONLY **CHERYL** SNIFFS GLUE!" Krieger snapped. "And secondly…Not as much as you think anymore…"

"Talk to my holographic hand!" Mitsuko snapped.

"Certainly not around **here** ," Lana remarked. "Continue."

"Number Five," Pam went on. "You're told you are lucky to have a job."

"In our case that's literally true," Ray quipped.

"Yeah I mean…" Cheryl laughed.

"I can't believe I'm saying this," Lana sighed. "But I agree with that statement. I don't even want to **think** about where I'd be without this place. Oh God that's scary."

"I'd probably be back in underground fights," Pam remarked. "Or hooking on street corners."

"Me too," Ray admitted.

"Number Six," Pam added. "No matter what you do, you can't get ahead."

"Well then that's not true for us," Cheryl said.

"What are you talking about?" Lana snapped. "We're always stuck in the same stupid crazy jobs!"

"No, we're not. Think about it," Cheryl told her. "I used to be a secretary but now I'm an assistant and part time detective."

"You're a **detective**?" Ray blinked. "Since **when?** "

"Well she was a country music singer," Pam told him. "I guess that counts as career advancement."

"Not to mention the time we were all part of a cocaine cartel," Ray added. "That was different."

"Pam was head of HR who became a field agent," Cheryl went on. "And now she's a detective too."

"Unlicensed detective," Lana pointed out.

"Potato, po-semantics-o!" Cheryl waved. "Ray has been a field agent, a systems analyst, a temporary astronaut, a pilot and now he's a detective."

"And I was in charge of the office betting pools for a while," Ray added. "I got some good scratch during that job."

"Cyril was a comptroller, a field agent," Cheryl counted off. "A temporary astronaut, dictator of San Marcos and now his name is on the freaking sign of our agency so he's now management! Tell me **that's** **not** career advancement!"

"She's right," Pam realized as she looked at Lana. "Huh. I guess it's just **you** that's stuck in the same place."

"You know?" Lana snapped.

"Number Seven," Ray looked at the list. "Your workplace has no heart and focuses only on money. Since when is that a **bad thing**?"

"It's like these people who wrote the list have completely missed the point of work," Pam agreed.

"So far we're doing a lot better on this list than I thought we would," Cheryl added.

"Uh oh," Pam said. "Look at Number Eight. Your boss is tyrannical and acts like a bully."

Everyone looked at each other. Then they laughed. "Okay I admit **that one** is us!" Lana laughed.

"Totally us!" Cheryl laughed.

"I'll go first," Lana snickered. "Mallory is so mean she scares pit bulls."

"Ms. Archer is so mean," Pam snickered. "She thinks shooting someone in the foot is letting them off easy!"

"Just ask Brett," Cheryl snickered. "Ooh! Ms. Archer is so mean monsters check under the bed for **her!"**

"Ms. Archer is so mean," Ray added. "She could have given Stalin lessons on dictatorship."

"Knowing her she probably slept with him!" Cheryl added. Everyone laughed.

Lana laughed then stopped. "Oh my God. You think she **did**?"

Ray shook his head. " **Nothing** about that woman's past would surprise me at this point."

"Number Nine," Pam went on. "Dysfunction reigns and it takes an act of God to get anything done."

"Or in our case," Ray added. "Ms. Archer with a machine gun."

"Number Ten," Pam finished. "You feel in your gut something is off. And I don't think they're talking about Taco Tuesdays."

"I think I always knew deep down our spy agency was illegal," Lana sighed. "The first time. I knew I should have taken that job at ODIN."

"You realize you only would have gotten the job by killing Archer?" Ray asked.

"And your point?" Lana asked. "That's **it?** "

"That's it," Pam said. "That's the list."

"That doesn't sound so bad," Cheryl remarked. "Only three or four of those things apply to us."

"We did a lot better on this list than I thought we would," Pam remarked. "I mean this is **nothing** compared to what we've been through."

"New signs your workplace is a toxic environment," Ray thought aloud. "When you have to wear Kevlar vests to office parties."

"When you have to carry mace to HR meetings," Lana added. "When people use sexual harassment seminars as a place to hook up."

"When the water cooler is filled instead with Vodka," Pam chuckled. "Which reminds me our Vodka cooler is running low."

"When rabies shots every year are mandatory," Cheryl added.

"As well as fire extinguishers in every room," Lana added.

Cheryl added. "When you have to hide your drug stash from both your boss and co-workers so that they don't steal it!"

"When tranquilizer guns are used frequently," Lana went on. "On both wild animals and staff."

"When a stomach pump is used more than the copy machine," Ray added.

"When the copy machine is used primarily to copy breasts and asses," Pam went on. "And the occasional dick pick."

"I remember the Archer and Andrea fiasco," Ray nodded. "Oh, when there's a stalker procedure in the office. And it's used at least once a month."

"When half your profits go to repairing fire damage," Lana added.

"When it's just safer to go to your office with a gun," Pam added. "Or some other weapon of choice."

"When you have to replace cleaning ladies every other month because your boss keeps killing them," Cheryl added.

"Not to mention you have a guy on staff who's got body removal and disposal as part of his job description," Pam nodded.

"When the office becomes so toxic you need a Geiger counter," Ray saw something.

"Good one," Pam snickered.

"And unfortunately, also accurate," Ray pointed.

Piggly glowing in all his glory walked by. "I believe I am going to lunch," Ray stood up. "As well as a quick trip to the decontamination shower."

"Dibs on the scrub brush," Pam remarked as everyone left the room in a hurry.

"This group spends way too much time together," Lana groaned. "If that's not a sign of toxicity I don't know **what is."**

"Probably not as much as the **radioactive pig,"** Ray added. "But yeah…"


End file.
